By Captain Supermarket
courtesy of Th3rd World Studios

I first watched Barbarian Queen with TV’s Anthony one Friday. He described the movie to me and I couldn’t believe he was telling the truth. He was, and more’s the pity.

Tagline: No man can touch her naked steel

More Accurate Tagline: Pretty much everyone can touch her naked anything

Guilty Party: Writer Howard R. Cohen seems mostly responsible for this mess, as the director is apparently highly respected in his native Argentina. Cohen, on the other hand, has written such movies as Deathstalker IV: March of the Titans, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer and Vampire Hookers; in other words, the greatest triple feature ever. In any case, this movie is pretty much par for the course in terms of Cohen’s career.

Synopsis: It’s wedding bells for the titular barbarian queen Amethea (Lana Clarkson, now most famous as the woman Phil Spector allegedly murdered). She’s set to marry greased-up pretty boy Argan (pronounced just like the gas, and twice as inert), a man so poker faced he could play straight man to Josh Hartnett. Romans attack her town, kill some, rape a couple, and take the rest as slaves, including Argan. How they managed to catch him while he was soaked in Crisco is never actually resolved. Amathea and her perpetually hungry sidekick Estrild grab their swords, put on some costumes that are half Dallas Cowboy cheerleader and half slutty Pocahontas and tease out their hair to Whitesnake-video levels. Unfortunately, this is not in montage to Europe’s "Final Countdown." Because he’s too lazy to emote, let alone try to engineer an escape, Argan needs his bride to rescue him. Amathea gathers a couple more half-naked women, a moppet whose gender is still in question, a motley group of rebels and heads to Rome. Rome suspiciously looks exactly like an alien world in the midst of a water shortage, but this time there’s no David Carradine or talking iguana. As the girls mill about Rome desperately trying to come up with a plan that somehow utilizes their chief skills of wooden acting and unconvincing swordplay, they get captured, raped and killed, usually in that order. Amathea escapes and unites the gladiators and rebels in open revolt. She wins, but it’s only by accident.

Life-Changing Subtext: This is where I have to explain the wonders of the rape-based economy. TV’s Anthony, who has seen this movie more than any other sane human, was the one who came up with this. With the sheer amount of rape in this film, the fact that nearly every female character in it gets raped, and the casual way in which rape is depicted, the only thing that makes this make any kind of sense is that the world of Barbarian Queen functions on an economy that’s entirely rape-based. While we haven’t worked out the exact exchange rate for forcible sex acts, it’s clear that they carry a sort of value. Sort of like in prison. Rooster goes to Fuquan and offers to trade some time with his bitch Sweetness for an extra serving of pudding, except that in Barbarian Queen Fuquan is removed from the equation, and the pudding would go to Rooster. Which is just plain confusing. I’ll need to call Alan Greenspan or Simon Adebisi.

Defining Quote: “Too… tight!” This is said just before the Transcendent Moment, so I won’t spoil it. Let’s just say it sums everything up just perfectly.

Standout Performance: Whoever dubbed the leering Eunuch (I believe named Eunoco, but I can’t be sure) deserves some kind of reward. You know that jerk on The Simpsons who says “YEEEEEEEEES!”? Well, imagine him after about six lines of coke and an enthusiastic game of crotch soccer. Oh yeah, and he’s wearing a hat that the Pope would think was a bit much. Basically, his performance consists of leering over another character’s shoulder and letting out this grating whine that sounds a little like Vincent Price with his balls in a vise. I thought about that simile way too goddamn long.

What’s Wrong: Well, the movie only makes sense if you posit a rape-based economy, so you be the judge.

Flash of Competence: The women are not hard to look at, especially in a trashy ’80s kind of way. There’s definitely a Tawney Kitaen vibe to all of them, but you never think that any of them would step on your mother’s neck.

Best Jokes: Sadly, the best jokes were all about sexual assault and so I won’t repeat them. Just don’t ask what “visiting the ATM” means in the world of Barbarian Queen.

Best Scenes: The fight scenes, oh, lordy the fight scenes. Remember when you were little and you used to pretend to be fantasy warriors? When you’d sword fight with your friends, the goal was to hit the other guy’s sword? Well, that’s how these people fight. Only I’m pretty sure you had better fight choreography.

Transcendent Moment: Amethea is tied up spread eagled and about to be tortured. Of course, first she has to get raped, because this is Barbarian Queen. So the torturer gets started, and it’s going well, but then, all of a sudden, he starts panicking. She’s got him held fast. Now remember: Amethea’s arms and legs are bound in place. He tries to fight his way out and cries out the movie’s defining quote. Yeah, so she rips his penis off with her mighty vagina. Since the movie’s tagline is “no man can touch her naked steel” I’m working under the assumption that she’s got one of those stainless steel vaginas you’re always hearing about.

As vile as this movie’s subtext is, it’s just too silly to take seriously. It’s like that website catsthatlooklikehitler.com. Bad subtext, cute cats.

What, did you think I was going to say something else?