Bloodrayne is a video game starring a ridiculously stacked vampire who runs around killing Nazis. Naturally, the movie takes place hundreds of years before World War II.

Tagline: Revenge never tasted so sweet

More Accurate Tagline: Revenge never tasted so much like cheese and double-sided tape

Guilty Party: I’ll be perfectly honest here: Uwe Boll scares the crap out of me. The guy is famous for two things: making horrible movies from video games and beating the holy hell out of his critics. He may be the director most likely to make it out of one of his own movies alive, but this doesn’t make him a good director. He’s completely incapable of eliciting a decent performance from any of his actors, he relies on flashbacks to a ludicrous degree, and he isn’t even capable to putting together a decent fight scene. Should Boll ever read this, he’ll probably want to kick my ass, and he could, too. It’s not like he’s going to beat enough asses and suddenly become a competent director.

Synopsis: Rayne (Kristanna Loken) is something called a dhampir, which is the exact opposite of a daywalker (all of our weaknesses and none of our strengths). She’s the main attraction at a gypsy sideshow, in which her act displays her weakness to water. Apparently, in this world, the vampires are all written by M. Night Shyamalan. Rayne escapes and goes on a quest to get an artifact known as The Eye, which will let vampires run around in the daylight. Of course, the movie is shot in such a way so that it looks like it’s always daylight. Rayne gets the Eye and hooks up with a veteran team of vampire hunters: mad-mumbler Vladimir (Michael Madsen), generic pretty boy Sebastian (Matt Davis), and is-she-really-supposed-to-be-English Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez). Meanwhile, vampire lord Kagan (Ben Kingsley, trying to remain inert) also wants The Eye, and of course it turns out that he killed Rayne’s mom (although there is some confusion about whether it was rape or murder). She nails Sebastian, kills Katarin, and fights Kagan and all his men. Rayne wins, everyone dies and forty-five minutes later, the movie ends.

Life-Changing Subtext: Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it. Only bloodier and in slow motion.

Defining Quote: A kid, to Rayne: “Can I see your teeth?” Only it doesn’t sound like “teeth.” It sounds like “teats.” And the thing is, asking Rayne to see her breasts is a little redundant. It would be like asking a ninja to murder someone silently, or Robin Williams to annoy the shit out of me.

Standout Performance: In his brief scenes, Billy Zane is entertaining in his barely concealed disgust for everyone present, but my favorite performance belongs to Michael Madsen as Vladimir the vampire hunter. Even in his best performances, Madsen comes off like he’s on lithium, but this one goes above and beyond. Firstly, he doesn’t attempt an accent, so his character (once again, a Medieval vampire hunter named Vladimir) is from Chicago. Secondly, he couldn’t look more awkward in the costume if it were that thing Jon Heder wears in the opening of Blades of Glory. But the most entertaining part of the performance is the fact that he seems utterly baffled by his sword. It’s like he has no idea what it is. He grabs the blade, holds it in his armpit, attempts to sharpen it with his hand and at least once, I’m pretty sure he tries to find where you put the clip. It’s entirely possible that he didn’t sober up even once while they filmed it. I really hope he called Boll “Quentin” through the entire thing.

What’s Wrong: A lot of things went wrong, but special mention needs to go to whoever decided to cast Michelle Rodriguez as an English woman in the Middle Ages. That person needs to be beaten about the head and neck with a shovel. I’d also like to say that flashbacks should be used sparingly, if at all. They should not be used, hypothetically speaking, to recap a movie in the final minutes, only this time in slow motion. Also, when making an action movie, you might want to spend some money on weapons training so the stars don’t think their swords are toothpicks or coffeemakers.

Flash of Competence: For one scene, Meat Loaf is draped in naked women. Rather than hiring extras, Uwe Boll hired actual prostitutes for the scene. Apparently, it was cheaper. Plus, as long as Rooster (I’m assuming their pimp’s name is Rooster, just because every pimp should be named Rooster) stayed in line, that’s a good day of filming. Besides, hiring hookers to be naked is a win-win. That’s an easy day of work for a hooker, although feigning attraction to Meat Loaf should have won them all Oscars, or at least free Methadone for a week.

Best Jokes:

Erik: “Is she one of those self-hating vampires?”
Me: “She’s an Uncle Blade.”

Bryn (commenting on the fact that Billy Zane has vanished from the movie): “I think Boll rufied everyone and Billy Zane managed to wake up and was all, ‘What the fuck am I doing in Prague?’”

Best Scenes: The simmering homoeroticism in any of Loken and Rodriguez’s scenes is pretty great.

Transcendent Moment: In perhaps the longest shot in history, Rayne meanders over to Kagan’s throne, sits down, and proceeds to recap the entire movie in slow motion, with particular emphasis on the goriest scenes. It’s like an episode of Family Ties crossed with a Michael Bay-directed snuff film, only not entertaining.

How do you fuck up a movie about a hot vampire chick that fights Nazis? That should be money in the bank, the movie equivalent of ballpark nacho cheese: it tastes good going down, but you’re going to hate yourself in about two hours. Instead of that, we get two hours of flashbacks, bad fight scenes and even worse accents. Uwe, for the love of God, stop making movies. Sir.